From the time she was a little girl she had an I can do anything attitude, I will do what I want to do personality, and a hello world here I am persona.
Life with her was rocky. I wanted better for her than what I had experienced, so when she turned 18 and told me she was pregnant, I hurt deeply. I stepped in and did the mother thing - taking her to doctors’ appointments and making sure she ate correctly, but I was angry at her and angry at the baby. “We can put the baby up for adoption,” I said. The doctor asked in the hospital room, “Do you want to cut the cord?” I replied, “Okay.” I cut the cord and immediately I was in love with the tiny precious girl born that day.
Fast forward 17 years. The little girl who was born to the young woman with the I can do anything attitude, I will do what I want to do personality, and the hello world here I am persona was now a teen herself, asking if she could live with me? Things were not well with that now early 30's young woman and her husband. I said certainly. So, she did - one day before her high school career ended. It was a messy affair: police involved, court hearings, lots of screaming, tears, pain, and prayer, But, eventually I got full guardianship.
Today, full guardianship is no longer needed because the teen has grown into a beautiful young woman. However, there is still a young male; another loved one involved. There is no relationship-brother to sister to grandmother or grandfather to grandson. I have my grandparent's rights; I will go back to court.
But, secretly, there is a worry. Is the young male being mistreated, is he okay? Is his mind being poisoned against his family? In truth, I grieve for a relationship with the child that I birthed, and the young woman mourns herself sick for a relationship with the mother who birthed her.
I often think that if I keep reaching out, I can fix it. But God says in a very clear voice, be still and know that I AM GOD (Psalm 46:10).
All in all, this has been an emotionally and sometimes physically exhausting journey. However, GOD promises when I hope in HIM HE renews my strength (Isaiah 40:31). So I have learned to CLING to HIS promises, knowing HE is working things for my good and HIS glory (Romans 8:28).
Have things changed with the young woman? Well, six years later I'm in a grocery store, and I encounter the fully grown woman with the I can do anything persona. She is standing in the middle of the store calling me foul names, screaming do not speak to me, and other things that I will not mention - not caring who heard nor who hurt!
I have learned never to say never, not me, not mine, not ours.